I am the Queen of “situationships“. In fact, for almost all of my 20’s that’s all I’ve known. Was I afraid of commitment? Hmmm…not exactly, more like I never understood the true value of my companionship and diluted FWBs into “just friends”.
Constantly convincing myself that we are just friends knowing that my feelings were stronger. Believing that if I turned a blind-eye to my feelings that I would be invincible to any kind of hurt. In our age of millisecond attention spans and an increased pool of “dateable people” at our fingertips think Tinder. It’s increasingly harder to garner the sincere attention and effort from a potential bae.
So how does a woman like myself find herself in a 90-day dating experiment? How else, but by force! A supernatural force that was outside of my control that compelled me to give a man totally off my radar a chance. So on March 23rd, 2016 I accepted his offer to enter into a 90-day dating trial. The terms of the agreement were to date exclusively and wholly give our energy, trust and focus on getting to know each other. At the end of the 90-days, we would evaluate and then make a decision about whether to continue our courtship or not.
I tend to deal with most experiences in my life on an intellectual level first before it passes (if it ever makes it) onto emotional, spiritual and/or physical levels. So mentally this seemed like a brilliant idea! I mean there were concrete guidelines, a solid deadline, and seemingly mutual desire. What happened within the 90-days tested me farther than my analytical brain could handle.
First off, men were coming out of the woodwork! I’m talking about men I hadn’t spoken to in months and in some cases even years. It’s like they could smell that the tide had turned and they no longer could get my attention whenever they pleased. Secondly, I had to get used to being a “we”. I really struggled with the fact that I was no longer just Chelle, but now Chelle with a bae. Every time someone started a conversation they’d ask how “we” or he is doing before asking how I am. I could rant about that for ages…but I will refrain. Lastly, my choices and decisions were no longer just based on my singular desires or whims. I actually had to take into account a whole another person. These are just the things that I battled with internally.
Within the physical world, bae and I went through a series of trials during the 90-days. We lost friends, went through a family death and the grieving process. He experienced my crazy female tendencies a.k.a me going through his phone and (not-so) sweetly telling a chick off. I tried to break-up with him almost 30-days into the process due to pressure from my family. We met each other’s families and friends. Survived a weekend trip to LA, as well as a couple of road-trips. All while trying to balance work, family, friends and self.
I must say that it has been the most transformative 90-days of my life. I learned how self-less I can be, but also how selfish I still really am. Yet, now I know how open and full my heart can be when it is focused on a singular desire.
So how did I survive this 90-day experiment? There were two central ingredients; commitment and love. First I know that he loves me, no questioning and no doubting. Our foundation is purely based on a concrete level of respect and love. The biggest takeaway from this experiment is that I can in fact commit. Which is what I did, on our 90th day I committed!